Trying to write this poem now
I write,
Close this last chapter and I write.
I've been trying to find a way,
But god will give me none.
Now I say god because I'm programmed to,
But I don't think there's one,
Kids are running loose,
There's hands are on a gun,
Trying to forget this pain now
I write,
I was raised to live my life,
but I can't see none
They've left me to rot
And they know that they have won.
They're hanging up the noose now,
I still see no holy one.
I'm trying to leave this behind
I write,
I'm closing this last chapter now.
I thought I could change,
But now i realize this,
I felt I could make it on my own
And create my Fate undone,
But now I see that my fate
Is in the hands of another one.
They're kicking out the chair now.
I'm waiting for the end.
I write,
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Picture
I can make a beautiful picture
Painted on a canvas of the mind,
There is finish
It develops with every minute.
I can make a wondrous picture.
But you won't want to look into it.
I wish I could stop it,
But there is no way to diminish.
I can frame a beautiful picture.
But you would not listen to it.
Not even when the picture,
was of me walking away.
Why?
Why did you have to be so...
Cold hearted.
Painted on a canvas of the mind,
There is finish
It develops with every minute.
I can make a wondrous picture.
But you won't want to look into it.
I wish I could stop it,
But there is no way to diminish.
I can frame a beautiful picture.
But you would not listen to it.
Not even when the picture,
was of me walking away.
Why?
Why did you have to be so...
Cold hearted.
Friday, December 28, 2012
A work in progress for all add to it in the comments with your experience!
15
The introduction to a bigger life.
16
The year of great importance that takes the entire soul and lifts it,
Then dumps it down.
17,
The age of the stressed,
The complications that accompany,
The major choices to be made,
The year that will dominate the rest.
18
The time of freedom,
The era of bliss and happiness,
Then the great collapse that takes all your strength to pass,
And it will require your full effort as well as others,
It will require sacrifices you normally wouldn't be willing to make.
The introduction to a bigger life.
16
The year of great importance that takes the entire soul and lifts it,
Then dumps it down.
17,
The age of the stressed,
The complications that accompany,
The major choices to be made,
The year that will dominate the rest.
18
The time of freedom,
The era of bliss and happiness,
Then the great collapse that takes all your strength to pass,
And it will require your full effort as well as others,
It will require sacrifices you normally wouldn't be willing to make.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Emptiness and Madness
Living is painful, and so is love she said, she said
Now she took her life in front of my eyes and what she said to me
Never let go, stay strong, for me. But as far as l can see she's dead
And sooner are we both together than we all are of a feather falling slowly down.
And down and down and drownd in guilt and behave well for she said.
But as far as i can see, i'm already dead.
The sound the sound and oh how it wounds! Should tears and fears sear our ears with that sound, oh how it would burn!
But moreover, forever ago they said, pay your respects and yearn the dead, and now my heart yearns for her.
Possibly, oh is it possibly true, that should my heart take no more, that l could return to you, sweetheart. But alas, what's sweet turns sour with age, and mine turned sour with rage.
Darker and darker and darker still, my mind turned black and my will was dashed and shattered as well.
The steel of a blade seemed fine as candy, sweet and dandy, but whats sweet turns sour with age, and steel seemed sour, oh so sour with hate.
With resent towards man, I walked on, walked on, darkness consuming my thoughts as l deserted the love l once had.
A spark grew in it's place and oh how it burned! My smile twisted upwards and oh it still seemed fine as candy, sweet and dandy, to embrace what was about to come.
And take and take and take some more until there is no more in the plate, said l, and then take some more.
And darker and darker and darker it grew, until l lost the war.
With malice and madness and twisted grin, my hatred within boiled over, and over, and over.
I said with a grin to my new love within it was time to start the show.
And hack and slash and stab, jab, jab, my suffering was lashed like a whip. A scream of the damsel was all l ever dreamed to be just as sweet as candy.
But instead she cried, and took the knife, oh what a surprise! and through her heart she tore apart her life.
I couldn't help but grin, but then, but then, with blood running down her breast as she said, she said in a voice sour with sorrow.
Living is painful, and so is love she said, she said
Now she took her life in front of my eyes and what she said to me
Never let go, stay strong, for me. But as far as l can see she's dead
And sooner are we both together than we all are of a feather falling slowly down.
And down and down and drownd in guilt and behave well for she said.
But as far as i can see, i'm already dead.
Now she took her life in front of my eyes and what she said to me
Never let go, stay strong, for me. But as far as l can see she's dead
And sooner are we both together than we all are of a feather falling slowly down.
And down and down and drownd in guilt and behave well for she said.
But as far as i can see, i'm already dead.
The sound the sound and oh how it wounds! Should tears and fears sear our ears with that sound, oh how it would burn!
But moreover, forever ago they said, pay your respects and yearn the dead, and now my heart yearns for her.
Possibly, oh is it possibly true, that should my heart take no more, that l could return to you, sweetheart. But alas, what's sweet turns sour with age, and mine turned sour with rage.
Darker and darker and darker still, my mind turned black and my will was dashed and shattered as well.
The steel of a blade seemed fine as candy, sweet and dandy, but whats sweet turns sour with age, and steel seemed sour, oh so sour with hate.
With resent towards man, I walked on, walked on, darkness consuming my thoughts as l deserted the love l once had.
A spark grew in it's place and oh how it burned! My smile twisted upwards and oh it still seemed fine as candy, sweet and dandy, to embrace what was about to come.
And take and take and take some more until there is no more in the plate, said l, and then take some more.
And darker and darker and darker it grew, until l lost the war.
With malice and madness and twisted grin, my hatred within boiled over, and over, and over.
I said with a grin to my new love within it was time to start the show.
And hack and slash and stab, jab, jab, my suffering was lashed like a whip. A scream of the damsel was all l ever dreamed to be just as sweet as candy.
But instead she cried, and took the knife, oh what a surprise! and through her heart she tore apart her life.
I couldn't help but grin, but then, but then, with blood running down her breast as she said, she said in a voice sour with sorrow.
Living is painful, and so is love she said, she said
Now she took her life in front of my eyes and what she said to me
Never let go, stay strong, for me. But as far as l can see she's dead
And sooner are we both together than we all are of a feather falling slowly down.
And down and down and drownd in guilt and behave well for she said.
But as far as i can see, i'm already dead.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Somehow people have made me feel like I need to update you with the mundane goings of my life. Seriously though, I really don't have much going on. If you want a sob story, look elsewhere.
My relationships tend to end in very large, troublesome explosions, apparently. So I'm adopting a feng shui approach to everything. Keep in mind I'm a fairly aggressive soccer player. possibly scholarship bound. It's working out pretty well for me so far.... :)
I haven't wrote as much as I want to, to be honest. Sorry for that. Unfortunately, my life does a great job of getting in the way. I do miss you all though. Yes, I'm talking to you, you anonymous reader I don't actually know. It's a good feeling to know that someone out there is taking the time to read these words, and someone our there may even be laughing at my mundane lifestyle.
A word in the defense of mundane lives: at least we're always there for those of you (sometimes un-) lucky enough to have an exciting life.
I really hope everyone who reads this has an awesome day, and somehow succeeds on getting that euphoric feeling of being high on life sometime this week. Good luck. Have fun. Smile more. Eat less. And would someone please (yes, I may or may not be talking to you) cancel Varsity tryouts tomorrow? I'm too sore.
Thanks.
Bye.
My relationships tend to end in very large, troublesome explosions, apparently. So I'm adopting a feng shui approach to everything. Keep in mind I'm a fairly aggressive soccer player. possibly scholarship bound. It's working out pretty well for me so far.... :)
I haven't wrote as much as I want to, to be honest. Sorry for that. Unfortunately, my life does a great job of getting in the way. I do miss you all though. Yes, I'm talking to you, you anonymous reader I don't actually know. It's a good feeling to know that someone out there is taking the time to read these words, and someone our there may even be laughing at my mundane lifestyle.
A word in the defense of mundane lives: at least we're always there for those of you (sometimes un-) lucky enough to have an exciting life.
I really hope everyone who reads this has an awesome day, and somehow succeeds on getting that euphoric feeling of being high on life sometime this week. Good luck. Have fun. Smile more. Eat less. And would someone please (yes, I may or may not be talking to you) cancel Varsity tryouts tomorrow? I'm too sore.
Thanks.
Bye.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Something wild
Like a monstrous waterfall
Dancing down, down forever
Viciously pounding upon the rock
And spraying droplets, like the weather
Passing over green strewn meadows
Shifting past the golden wheat
Floating through the morphing clouds
Racing fast upon hoofed feet
It is stronger than a diamond
Far more beautiful than the stars
Forever growing, ever lasting
You can't hold it behind steel bars
Longer than the universe
Expanding past your wildest dreams
Sinking down the deepest trench
Holding all within its seams
You can own all the Earth's gold
It is something you can't price
Prancing past political pressure
This force truly has no vice
It is precious, priceless, pure
Like a mustang--wild, untame,
You can chase it, even wish it,
It has no bounds, no leather reigns
It comes with pain and lots of pieces
Some assembly is required
Even when it's been neglected
It's relentless, never tired
Like a huge black thundering train
Puffing smoke out as it moves
You can run, and you can hide
But let this force fill in the grooves
Let it take you up on wings
As it fills you to the brim
Overflowing, splashing over
Putting down the flames of grim
This may come, a great surprise
But it is so much more than nature
And when you have it hold on tight
Worse than venom, there is no cure
What I speak of is my love
And deep within my heart it grows
And in his hands he holds my heart
Even though he doesn't know
Yet everyday I'll show him how
I'll show him what he means to me
He means more than all the gems
In the world, just look and see
I never thought I'd feel so strong
A force so wild and untamed
If I could spread it like disease
Then damn me now, I'll be blamed
I share my heart with not but three
One so much, we have made two
In a world made just for us
No one loves them like I do
I will scrape my flesh to bone
Fighting for this love so strong
I will set out on my knees
To fight this world so wrong
I'll protect them with my fists
Fight away the dark sky blues
Take a beating all day long
'Til in my eyes you see black hues
If all my teeth come falling out
Or if my flesh comes peeling down
I will always keep on trucking
'Til my heart stops beating sound
If it kills me I'll be fine
I'm forever made immortal
In his heart like ivy vines
Twisted up and blooming full
This is love, it is divine
Flashing brighter than the sun
Storming down upon us both
He is, forever, my only one.
Dancing down, down forever
Viciously pounding upon the rock
And spraying droplets, like the weather
Passing over green strewn meadows
Shifting past the golden wheat
Floating through the morphing clouds
Racing fast upon hoofed feet
It is stronger than a diamond
Far more beautiful than the stars
Forever growing, ever lasting
You can't hold it behind steel bars
Longer than the universe
Expanding past your wildest dreams
Sinking down the deepest trench
Holding all within its seams
You can own all the Earth's gold
It is something you can't price
Prancing past political pressure
This force truly has no vice
It is precious, priceless, pure
Like a mustang--wild, untame,
You can chase it, even wish it,
It has no bounds, no leather reigns
It comes with pain and lots of pieces
Some assembly is required
Even when it's been neglected
It's relentless, never tired
Like a huge black thundering train
Puffing smoke out as it moves
You can run, and you can hide
But let this force fill in the grooves
Let it take you up on wings
As it fills you to the brim
Overflowing, splashing over
Putting down the flames of grim
This may come, a great surprise
But it is so much more than nature
And when you have it hold on tight
Worse than venom, there is no cure
What I speak of is my love
And deep within my heart it grows
And in his hands he holds my heart
Even though he doesn't know
Yet everyday I'll show him how
I'll show him what he means to me
He means more than all the gems
In the world, just look and see
I never thought I'd feel so strong
A force so wild and untamed
If I could spread it like disease
Then damn me now, I'll be blamed
I share my heart with not but three
One so much, we have made two
In a world made just for us
No one loves them like I do
I will scrape my flesh to bone
Fighting for this love so strong
I will set out on my knees
To fight this world so wrong
I'll protect them with my fists
Fight away the dark sky blues
Take a beating all day long
'Til in my eyes you see black hues
If all my teeth come falling out
Or if my flesh comes peeling down
I will always keep on trucking
'Til my heart stops beating sound
If it kills me I'll be fine
I'm forever made immortal
In his heart like ivy vines
Twisted up and blooming full
This is love, it is divine
Flashing brighter than the sun
Storming down upon us both
He is, forever, my only one.
A heart of gold
A heart of gold
He has a heart that's full of gold
That he just cannot see
And every time I look at him
I know that he deeply loves me
Especially in his arms' tight hold
No mountain, ocean, or land mass
Can hold more love than my heart
And with my hand in his held tight
I know we'll never part
All pain will, in time, pass
His eyes are deep and glorious blue
With the softest hint of green
And he may not be worlds greatest
But he's the best to me
And the best to his daughter, too
With dazzling hair of ginger red
And bits of blonde upon his face
Every inch of him, I do love
Inside my heart, that's his place
I love every red hair upon his head
And even though I made a mistake
My heart does not let me forget
I will never hurt him again
To him, my heart, all love I set
My love is never for him, fake
Never is anyone as handsome as he to me
He is my universe and everything in between
I hope that one day he will see through my eyes
And see the beauty that I see
No one will ever compare to he
And deep within the confines of his hold
Is where my broken self resides
And holds his broken heart together
With all of the pieces of mine
He forever has a heart of gold
He has a heart that's full of gold
That he just cannot see
And every time I look at him
I know that he deeply loves me
Especially in his arms' tight hold
No mountain, ocean, or land mass
Can hold more love than my heart
And with my hand in his held tight
I know we'll never part
All pain will, in time, pass
His eyes are deep and glorious blue
With the softest hint of green
And he may not be worlds greatest
But he's the best to me
And the best to his daughter, too
With dazzling hair of ginger red
And bits of blonde upon his face
Every inch of him, I do love
Inside my heart, that's his place
I love every red hair upon his head
And even though I made a mistake
My heart does not let me forget
I will never hurt him again
To him, my heart, all love I set
My love is never for him, fake
Never is anyone as handsome as he to me
He is my universe and everything in between
I hope that one day he will see through my eyes
And see the beauty that I see
No one will ever compare to he
And deep within the confines of his hold
Is where my broken self resides
And holds his broken heart together
With all of the pieces of mine
He forever has a heart of gold
Poème de l'amour
Même si le contact froid de l'hiver,
Tendre notre peau et se refroidit à l'air,
Il ne fait pas une différence pour moi,
Pour la touche froide de l'hiver ne peut pas toucher nos coeurs.
Et je va saisir votre main dans une étreinte tendre
Je ne peux qu'espérer que vos lèvres seront présentes contre les mines,
Et réchauffer mon cœur une fois de plus.
Tendre notre peau et se refroidit à l'air,
Il ne fait pas une différence pour moi,
Pour la touche froide de l'hiver ne peut pas toucher nos coeurs.
Et je va saisir votre main dans une étreinte tendre
Je ne peux qu'espérer que vos lèvres seront présentes contre les mines,
Et réchauffer mon cœur une fois de plus.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Poema di amor
Luces parpadeando detrás de usted,
Acentuando el calor del momento.
Y aun que no puede evitar que me mi amor,
Mi amor prohibido que deseo mucho que expresar,
Usted puede saber quien guardo amor,
Aqui con tu.
Mi amor se habÃa expresado antes,
Pero ahora olvidado.
Deseo mucho que decir a usted.
Y ahora no hablar conmigo ya,
Te echo de menos.
Te quiero.
Mi amor.
Acentuando el calor del momento.
Y aun que no puede evitar que me mi amor,
Mi amor prohibido que deseo mucho que expresar,
Usted puede saber quien guardo amor,
Aqui con tu.
Mi amor se habÃa expresado antes,
Pero ahora olvidado.
Deseo mucho que decir a usted.
Y ahora no hablar conmigo ya,
Te echo de menos.
Te quiero.
Mi amor.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
How I feel
Let me take a moment
To tell you how I feel
Just sit down and listen
I'll tell you what's the deal
I thought all was lost
When it was all here
I entered a dark place
And all I felt was fear
I closed off my ears
And shut off your voice
Those I thought were friends
Helped me make bad a choice
All I feel is disgrace
Hate, fear, anguish
And the actions that I took
Were stupid and selfish
I thought that I found you
Somewhere not at home
But it wasn't you, not at all
And inside I felt alone
Now my mistake is seen
And every day is pain
And all I do, every day
Is pray you'll see me the same
The one that said I do
The one that holds you dear
The one that loves you always
The one who's always here
I will hold your hand
Forever and a day
I'll never make the same mistakes
Cuz I am here to stay
I'll stroke your head and back
And tell you what you are
You're not just my world
You're my shining star
You're my knight in armor
My universe and light
You give me my strength
That makes me shine so bright
It tears me all to pieces
To know what I have done
My heart aches, hands shake
But I will not run
You're not just someone cool
Or someone super sweet
You're amazing, super grand
You're so perfect to me
You show me the galaxy
In just a little kiss
My heart gives a leap
So I tell you this
I will be a wife
Who is forever good
Does what I am told
Because I should
I'll mend your broken heart
With the pieces of mine
Then we'll have one love
Literally throughout time
And so I tell the world
And ask of you for them to see
I will be the best lover
If you'll just have me
I love you Andrew
To tell you how I feel
Just sit down and listen
I'll tell you what's the deal
I thought all was lost
When it was all here
I entered a dark place
And all I felt was fear
I closed off my ears
And shut off your voice
Those I thought were friends
Helped me make bad a choice
All I feel is disgrace
Hate, fear, anguish
And the actions that I took
Were stupid and selfish
I thought that I found you
Somewhere not at home
But it wasn't you, not at all
And inside I felt alone
Now my mistake is seen
And every day is pain
And all I do, every day
Is pray you'll see me the same
The one that said I do
The one that holds you dear
The one that loves you always
The one who's always here
I will hold your hand
Forever and a day
I'll never make the same mistakes
Cuz I am here to stay
I'll stroke your head and back
And tell you what you are
You're not just my world
You're my shining star
You're my knight in armor
My universe and light
You give me my strength
That makes me shine so bright
It tears me all to pieces
To know what I have done
My heart aches, hands shake
But I will not run
You're not just someone cool
Or someone super sweet
You're amazing, super grand
You're so perfect to me
You show me the galaxy
In just a little kiss
My heart gives a leap
So I tell you this
I will be a wife
Who is forever good
Does what I am told
Because I should
I'll mend your broken heart
With the pieces of mine
Then we'll have one love
Literally throughout time
And so I tell the world
And ask of you for them to see
I will be the best lover
If you'll just have me
I love you Andrew
Friday, June 29, 2012
Little Linda chapter1
Setting: San Francisco, California- the city of fog.
Date: 11/2/1987 - 11/3/2011
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fog hung thickly this day in san fran, generally, that would slow the bustle of the city. This day in san fran, however, people were in a rush, bumping into each other like blind mice.
Like vermin.
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he looks at the pictures, then at the sloppy mess he made trying to fix the negative. A short, stout man smoking a cigar exhales a puff of smoke, blasting in the mans face like some half exhausted, half dead dragon tried to breathe fire on him, but ended up sending a foul smelling puff of smoke his way. The smoke hung on the ceiling, mixing with the fog that drifted in from the open basement window. The whole place smelled like cigar now. The little room was too crowded, so the smell hung in the air as if it were reluctant to leave.
The stout man sighs a puff of smoke before beginning to mumble. The other man puts the pictures in a bath filled with what he believes are the right chemicals.
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He has been going to and from this alleyway several times before. He only walks through here when he is holding a job downtown. His boots trudge silently past me today, not even aware…
Blind…
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He walked out the door, making sure to get the last word in before slamming the door. He storms away, even though he knew what he did wrong, countless times. He squirms around the people who don't seem to have the decency to move out of his way, or even acknowledge the fact that he was there. He eases through an alley. He trips and falls on a mixture of glass and broken concrete, cutting up his hands and side. He curses as he gets up, sucking on the wound, half enjoying, half despising it's iron taste. He walks through the alley and curves around a corner, blending again with the people in the street.
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The monotonous click clack of urban footsteps frustrates me. Yelling, car horns, all of it. They choose not to think anything could happen to them at any time. It only takes one short moment before a bullet could tear through their skull. But no, they walk, blind vermin, walking to wherever they want to…
They truly are such trivial things…
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The bar was where the man went. Drinking all the exotic alcohol he could drink with his last paycheck. The skin and bone bartender slid the check under his last drink, a large glass of imported japanese sake. The sake was held within a glass mug that had the company name etched on it, "kosuko", which was commonly mispronounced by americans. The bar used beverages from small businesses, so maybe he could move to japan and get a job there. First, he needed a job to pay for the trip, and the housing, and necessities. By that time, the whole thing would be redundant. He reaches to grab his wallet and write a check for several hundred dollars, should his handwriting be legible enough.
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I'm starting to get really bored…
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the man rushes back to grab his coat, rushing through the foggy alleyway. Glass crunches under his boots as he makes the sharp turn around the brick wall, isolating the children's playground like the Berlin Wall.
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this city is so boring…
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The shop was locked, but he could be arrested for not paying. Then again, he could be arrested for breaking and entering. His coat lay inside on the coat rack. He rang the doorbell impatiently.
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the only real good thing about this place is the fog.
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he wasn't home… just his luck… he runs around back and climbs up the fire escape to the floor above. After all, he needed his wallet.
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and that's where the damage can start.
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He grabs his coat and feels the weight of his wallet inside. He exits at the same place he came in and runs back to the bar, right as he sees red and blue lights carried over by the fog.
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he's late… he should be here…
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The crash was huge. Several mangy cars got almost pretzeled together in a sorta web of metal. Pedestrians were sandwiched between cars in a horrible way. There was no getting around this huge wall of metal…
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Sigh… I guess I'll play ball… too bad…
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he ran back. That was enough to call it a day, for sure. The glass in the alleyway crunched under his boots as he ran past. He turned several turns back to his apartment and sighed.
Life sucked.
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He was turned down almost everywhere he went, but his charisma and personality grew in acting. Though he was mainly in low budget films, locals still recall the sets and his role as the happy-go-lucky guy who helps a child out of a tree, who then murders him.
Things like that don't happen ln real life though… sadly…
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his life was fair. He washed dishes instead of reusing paper ones. He watched TV instead of play with carpet lint. Life was good. He'd all but just forgotten about the wreck. It made headlines for weeks, then people lost interest and forgot about it. Even the mayor, who didn't even try to control traffic, forgot. He pours himself a glass of instant coffee and adds sugar, no cream. The coffee woke him up with a bitter tang, but calmed him with a sweet after-taste. He turned on the news. The picture was blurry, and the audio wasn't great, but still, the fiery haired anchorman was still understandable with his thick Boston/Chicago accent. With another sip of his coffee, he put down the remote and started his daily routine. News, town, and if he was called in, to the movie set.
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I've watched him for years. I know him like a book i've read over and over and over again. I know that today, they're filming downtown. He will walk through the alley today. I'm certain he'll see me. Today is just right.
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the weather was perfect today. Nice and sunny, but semi relaxing with a thin, tourist attracting layer of fog. The group thought so too, and it seems he was called downtown. He walks around the coffee shop and the old, closed up building and enters the bustling downtown area. He walks over towards the set and ducks under the caution tape. They picked a good place this time, he thought the old, mangy hotel was a great place to shoot. The side cast shook their head. The idea of sleeping on a cold, hard mattress didn't appeal to them, nor did waking up in the middle of the night to see a killer snapping turtle in their room. The director showed the man his part. He would be the drop-dead-stoned hotel employee who tries to smother the turtle with a pillow. After it bites of his finger, he would run to the boiler room with the chines janitor and cook the poor turtle. This man had a sick sense of humor, but thankfully, deep pockets, otherwise half the people wouldn't have agreed to do what they were doing. Alas, he was no exception. The small young woman directing the snapping turtle look frightened of the thing as it looked at her with a dull, beady eyed gaze. She jumped back and poked it with a stick. Today was going to be a long day.
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I'm starting to get impatient. He finally got out of the set after ten hours, but he's walking as fast as that damn turtle. I just need to be patient a little longer… sigh…
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He walks home sober, though more than a bit tired from acting his part several times in a row. He walks though the alley and pauses. His neck started to cramp badly. He clutches his neck and keeps it still until the pain fades. He rolls his neck. Loud popping sounds emerge and he sighs.
Wait, which way was he going? He looks around. The alley looked the same on all sides and he couldn't find his way. He sits down, brushing away the litter around him with his hands. He leans against the wall and picks up a piece of a beer bottle. Already, just by the color and curve, he could tell the brand name. That was a bad thing. He drops the glass down and listens to the clink sound it makes. He rolls his neck and stands up. He turns around and takes a step in what he believes to be the right direction.…
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Are humans really this blind?
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Before yelling and falling over, cutting his hand on the glass piece he dropped earlier. There stood a young girl, about nine or ten. She wore a small wedding dress, but the veil was to thick to see her face. Her skin was a sickly white and her hair was jet black. She had a teddy bear in her hands and what looked like a friendship bracelet on her arm. She swings the teddy bear back and forth. The bear seems to sway to that rhythm like a noodle rather than a toy. The girl looks up... Or down.... He couldn't tell. She wasn't saying anything, so he decided to make conversation.
"Mister, you have a cut on your hand." just as he was going to say something, the girl grabs some stuffing out of the bear and puts it on his hand. He takes it, only because he finds it rude to refuse. The girl stands still, so he collects himself from the confusion and speaks.
"Thank you young mam. Appreciate it. May l ask you one question though? Why are you w-" he was cut off by the girl.
"your from Tennessee, although you were born in New Zealand and you spent the first few years of your life in Pennsylvania." as if to confuse him more, she continues. "Your accent gives that away. The smell of your coat is clearly of wine and alcohol, but you don't drink because you want to party or your addicted, your depressed. Nothing seems to bother you, which is why you worked for the director, because no one else will. You have lost several jobs and several woman and attempted suicide once, but you were scared and you figured you could do more with your life. Thats what I came here to talk to you about. First off, whats your name?"
The man just stood awestruck as his whole life was narrated by a scary looking young girl. All he could think to say was answer.
"Isaac Lambert? You don't look like a Lambert.... You hated your family, so you adopted another last name. Try again." what the hell was with this girl? He sighs and replies truthfully this time.
"You look more like a Conway." she stops. It was finally his turn to speak, wasn't it.
"What the hell is going on here?" he sighs as he says that. His turn was over once again.
"thats what l came to talk to you about you idiot. If you couldn't already guess, I'm dead. Hence the veil and the glue colored skin. I was killed by a twenty something year old woman with black hair just like mine and an engagement ring on her hand. Hence the dress and the hair. I was just a young girl then, hence the bear and bracelet. She lives in east Tennessee. If you go, your life will have meaning, wont it? I could be alive if you kill her. She is likely to kill others too. You could help several people." her voice changes into one of a young girl doing the cute "l'm your daughter, give me what l want" trick. "Please Isaac, your all I've got. Tell me you'll do it please."
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How could he let this happen to him? He was on a train, traveling east, first to Las Vegas, first few stops in Pasadena, bullhead city, and Henderson, to talk to a friend of his. Two seats on both sides of him were empty, he supposed, because the dead girl didn't count. She was coloring now, removing his sense of her ever having a demanding attitude. The train ride was pretty awkward, but he'd have to deal with it for a few hundred miles. The fog seemed to fallow them for miles, though it was getting thinner. He put his cap on his face and dozed off.
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~End of chapter 1~
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Date: 11/2/1987 - 11/3/2011
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fog hung thickly this day in san fran, generally, that would slow the bustle of the city. This day in san fran, however, people were in a rush, bumping into each other like blind mice.
Like vermin.
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he looks at the pictures, then at the sloppy mess he made trying to fix the negative. A short, stout man smoking a cigar exhales a puff of smoke, blasting in the mans face like some half exhausted, half dead dragon tried to breathe fire on him, but ended up sending a foul smelling puff of smoke his way. The smoke hung on the ceiling, mixing with the fog that drifted in from the open basement window. The whole place smelled like cigar now. The little room was too crowded, so the smell hung in the air as if it were reluctant to leave.
The stout man sighs a puff of smoke before beginning to mumble. The other man puts the pictures in a bath filled with what he believes are the right chemicals.
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He has been going to and from this alleyway several times before. He only walks through here when he is holding a job downtown. His boots trudge silently past me today, not even aware…
Blind…
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He walked out the door, making sure to get the last word in before slamming the door. He storms away, even though he knew what he did wrong, countless times. He squirms around the people who don't seem to have the decency to move out of his way, or even acknowledge the fact that he was there. He eases through an alley. He trips and falls on a mixture of glass and broken concrete, cutting up his hands and side. He curses as he gets up, sucking on the wound, half enjoying, half despising it's iron taste. He walks through the alley and curves around a corner, blending again with the people in the street.
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The monotonous click clack of urban footsteps frustrates me. Yelling, car horns, all of it. They choose not to think anything could happen to them at any time. It only takes one short moment before a bullet could tear through their skull. But no, they walk, blind vermin, walking to wherever they want to…
They truly are such trivial things…
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The bar was where the man went. Drinking all the exotic alcohol he could drink with his last paycheck. The skin and bone bartender slid the check under his last drink, a large glass of imported japanese sake. The sake was held within a glass mug that had the company name etched on it, "kosuko", which was commonly mispronounced by americans. The bar used beverages from small businesses, so maybe he could move to japan and get a job there. First, he needed a job to pay for the trip, and the housing, and necessities. By that time, the whole thing would be redundant. He reaches to grab his wallet and write a check for several hundred dollars, should his handwriting be legible enough.
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I'm starting to get really bored…
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the man rushes back to grab his coat, rushing through the foggy alleyway. Glass crunches under his boots as he makes the sharp turn around the brick wall, isolating the children's playground like the Berlin Wall.
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this city is so boring…
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The shop was locked, but he could be arrested for not paying. Then again, he could be arrested for breaking and entering. His coat lay inside on the coat rack. He rang the doorbell impatiently.
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the only real good thing about this place is the fog.
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he wasn't home… just his luck… he runs around back and climbs up the fire escape to the floor above. After all, he needed his wallet.
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and that's where the damage can start.
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He grabs his coat and feels the weight of his wallet inside. He exits at the same place he came in and runs back to the bar, right as he sees red and blue lights carried over by the fog.
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he's late… he should be here…
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The crash was huge. Several mangy cars got almost pretzeled together in a sorta web of metal. Pedestrians were sandwiched between cars in a horrible way. There was no getting around this huge wall of metal…
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Sigh… I guess I'll play ball… too bad…
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he ran back. That was enough to call it a day, for sure. The glass in the alleyway crunched under his boots as he ran past. He turned several turns back to his apartment and sighed.
Life sucked.
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><><><>+<><><><
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He was turned down almost everywhere he went, but his charisma and personality grew in acting. Though he was mainly in low budget films, locals still recall the sets and his role as the happy-go-lucky guy who helps a child out of a tree, who then murders him.
Things like that don't happen ln real life though… sadly…
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his life was fair. He washed dishes instead of reusing paper ones. He watched TV instead of play with carpet lint. Life was good. He'd all but just forgotten about the wreck. It made headlines for weeks, then people lost interest and forgot about it. Even the mayor, who didn't even try to control traffic, forgot. He pours himself a glass of instant coffee and adds sugar, no cream. The coffee woke him up with a bitter tang, but calmed him with a sweet after-taste. He turned on the news. The picture was blurry, and the audio wasn't great, but still, the fiery haired anchorman was still understandable with his thick Boston/Chicago accent. With another sip of his coffee, he put down the remote and started his daily routine. News, town, and if he was called in, to the movie set.
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I've watched him for years. I know him like a book i've read over and over and over again. I know that today, they're filming downtown. He will walk through the alley today. I'm certain he'll see me. Today is just right.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
the weather was perfect today. Nice and sunny, but semi relaxing with a thin, tourist attracting layer of fog. The group thought so too, and it seems he was called downtown. He walks around the coffee shop and the old, closed up building and enters the bustling downtown area. He walks over towards the set and ducks under the caution tape. They picked a good place this time, he thought the old, mangy hotel was a great place to shoot. The side cast shook their head. The idea of sleeping on a cold, hard mattress didn't appeal to them, nor did waking up in the middle of the night to see a killer snapping turtle in their room. The director showed the man his part. He would be the drop-dead-stoned hotel employee who tries to smother the turtle with a pillow. After it bites of his finger, he would run to the boiler room with the chines janitor and cook the poor turtle. This man had a sick sense of humor, but thankfully, deep pockets, otherwise half the people wouldn't have agreed to do what they were doing. Alas, he was no exception. The small young woman directing the snapping turtle look frightened of the thing as it looked at her with a dull, beady eyed gaze. She jumped back and poked it with a stick. Today was going to be a long day.
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I'm starting to get impatient. He finally got out of the set after ten hours, but he's walking as fast as that damn turtle. I just need to be patient a little longer… sigh…
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He walks home sober, though more than a bit tired from acting his part several times in a row. He walks though the alley and pauses. His neck started to cramp badly. He clutches his neck and keeps it still until the pain fades. He rolls his neck. Loud popping sounds emerge and he sighs.
Wait, which way was he going? He looks around. The alley looked the same on all sides and he couldn't find his way. He sits down, brushing away the litter around him with his hands. He leans against the wall and picks up a piece of a beer bottle. Already, just by the color and curve, he could tell the brand name. That was a bad thing. He drops the glass down and listens to the clink sound it makes. He rolls his neck and stands up. He turns around and takes a step in what he believes to be the right direction.…
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Are humans really this blind?
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Before yelling and falling over, cutting his hand on the glass piece he dropped earlier. There stood a young girl, about nine or ten. She wore a small wedding dress, but the veil was to thick to see her face. Her skin was a sickly white and her hair was jet black. She had a teddy bear in her hands and what looked like a friendship bracelet on her arm. She swings the teddy bear back and forth. The bear seems to sway to that rhythm like a noodle rather than a toy. The girl looks up... Or down.... He couldn't tell. She wasn't saying anything, so he decided to make conversation.
"Mister, you have a cut on your hand." just as he was going to say something, the girl grabs some stuffing out of the bear and puts it on his hand. He takes it, only because he finds it rude to refuse. The girl stands still, so he collects himself from the confusion and speaks.
"Thank you young mam. Appreciate it. May l ask you one question though? Why are you w-" he was cut off by the girl.
"your from Tennessee, although you were born in New Zealand and you spent the first few years of your life in Pennsylvania." as if to confuse him more, she continues. "Your accent gives that away. The smell of your coat is clearly of wine and alcohol, but you don't drink because you want to party or your addicted, your depressed. Nothing seems to bother you, which is why you worked for the director, because no one else will. You have lost several jobs and several woman and attempted suicide once, but you were scared and you figured you could do more with your life. Thats what I came here to talk to you about. First off, whats your name?"
The man just stood awestruck as his whole life was narrated by a scary looking young girl. All he could think to say was answer.
"Isaac Lambert? You don't look like a Lambert.... You hated your family, so you adopted another last name. Try again." what the hell was with this girl? He sighs and replies truthfully this time.
"You look more like a Conway." she stops. It was finally his turn to speak, wasn't it.
"What the hell is going on here?" he sighs as he says that. His turn was over once again.
"thats what l came to talk to you about you idiot. If you couldn't already guess, I'm dead. Hence the veil and the glue colored skin. I was killed by a twenty something year old woman with black hair just like mine and an engagement ring on her hand. Hence the dress and the hair. I was just a young girl then, hence the bear and bracelet. She lives in east Tennessee. If you go, your life will have meaning, wont it? I could be alive if you kill her. She is likely to kill others too. You could help several people." her voice changes into one of a young girl doing the cute "l'm your daughter, give me what l want" trick. "Please Isaac, your all I've got. Tell me you'll do it please."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
How could he let this happen to him? He was on a train, traveling east, first to Las Vegas, first few stops in Pasadena, bullhead city, and Henderson, to talk to a friend of his. Two seats on both sides of him were empty, he supposed, because the dead girl didn't count. She was coloring now, removing his sense of her ever having a demanding attitude. The train ride was pretty awkward, but he'd have to deal with it for a few hundred miles. The fog seemed to fallow them for miles, though it was getting thinner. He put his cap on his face and dozed off.
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~End of chapter 1~
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Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Hurt(depression)
Hurt,
The only feeling that matters,
The only thing that separates the weak from the strong,
What can you do when there is nothing left?
Nothing there to help?
I have lost.
The battle between good and evil,
The war against life and death,
Death is the victor once again.
I look at the faces of those who pass by,
I see nothing but the drab dullness of there daily lives,
The emptiness that fills their souls.
Nobody would help,
For the ones close to me have abandoned me, the friends I once had have turned away from me.
The only help would come from a stranger,
Not because of friendliness no,
But from pity.
For not a man on the earth would help me.
It is not in the nature of man afterall,
It is in their nature that they try to avoid other's problems.
For they feel that they have enough of their own.
They fear that If they truly try to help they would be tied to the other's problems,
Being faced with a greater weight to carry.
It is not sympathy that causes people to ask,
But pity.
For all humanity had grown to think that they could always help.
It is pity, that causes the crowd to gather,
It is pity, commiseration, ruth.
Not sympathy,
But mercy.
For god hath no mercy.
God smites the weak and has forsaken me,
Abandoned me,
He does not have mercy,
He aims his greatest blows carefully and knocks me down,
Piece by piece as I fall away I feel once more,
Once more the agonizing pain as god hath foresaken me and left me to Satan,
And the almighty Lucifer drags me down farther.
He also hath no pathos,
For it is a human trait,
The feeling of pity is weak and makes me vulnerable.
It makes the person in front of me
Look as if it required a gift,
As if the only thing it needed was help.
But that is what catches me,
I am that person,
This is a reflection of myself.
This deformed shape before me,
It is my soul,
It has been shaped into something horrific,
Something without promise,
Something without purpose.
Tell me,
What does one have to look forward to when everything has gone?
What does one need to live when the only person who would help is a total stranger?
Tell me.
Tell me...
The only feeling that matters,
The only thing that separates the weak from the strong,
What can you do when there is nothing left?
Nothing there to help?
I have lost.
The battle between good and evil,
The war against life and death,
Death is the victor once again.
I look at the faces of those who pass by,
I see nothing but the drab dullness of there daily lives,
The emptiness that fills their souls.
Nobody would help,
For the ones close to me have abandoned me, the friends I once had have turned away from me.
The only help would come from a stranger,
Not because of friendliness no,
But from pity.
For not a man on the earth would help me.
It is not in the nature of man afterall,
It is in their nature that they try to avoid other's problems.
For they feel that they have enough of their own.
They fear that If they truly try to help they would be tied to the other's problems,
Being faced with a greater weight to carry.
It is not sympathy that causes people to ask,
But pity.
For all humanity had grown to think that they could always help.
It is pity, that causes the crowd to gather,
It is pity, commiseration, ruth.
Not sympathy,
But mercy.
For god hath no mercy.
God smites the weak and has forsaken me,
Abandoned me,
He does not have mercy,
He aims his greatest blows carefully and knocks me down,
Piece by piece as I fall away I feel once more,
Once more the agonizing pain as god hath foresaken me and left me to Satan,
And the almighty Lucifer drags me down farther.
He also hath no pathos,
For it is a human trait,
The feeling of pity is weak and makes me vulnerable.
It makes the person in front of me
Look as if it required a gift,
As if the only thing it needed was help.
But that is what catches me,
I am that person,
This is a reflection of myself.
This deformed shape before me,
It is my soul,
It has been shaped into something horrific,
Something without promise,
Something without purpose.
Tell me,
What does one have to look forward to when everything has gone?
What does one need to live when the only person who would help is a total stranger?
Tell me.
Tell me...
Hidden
Swifter then death,
Slower then honey,
We can find you in us all.
You play with us, twist us, rip out are hearts,
And that is before you even start.
Little games, cruel games, mind games,
You play with us all, poking and priding trying to
Make us fall.
Your evil, a demon, a shadow in the night.
You are a emotion, a thing, a shadow, a scorn.
Ripping and twisting until I am torn.
No bullet can harm you, no drug can take you,
Nothing can harm you but you are easily defeated.
You hide under are beds.
Haunt are dreams.
You are in the faces of those we love.
Playing your little puppet games from everywhere
But up above.
You're our greatest enemy because you can't be seen,
But you are felt by all including me.
You know the hearts of every man, woman and child,
And you use it to your advantage, heartless and wild.
Everyone knows you,
The brave, the weak, the heartless, the bold.
You find your way in and wreak a havoc never truly told.
Do you know who I am? Have you guessed yet?
I'll give you some hints.
I am the monster under your bed,
I am the heart you think will break,
I am the shark outside your cage,
I am the mugger down the street.
Some people find me for fun,
Some people turn on their heel and run.
I have one last hint, just for you.
Your greatest fear is also me too.
Good morning!
It heats,
As the rising sun increases in size
And takes,
Takes the darkness away as it greets the world that opens up beneath it.
When the moon,
The moon disappears from the sky and grips the stars as they are whisked away.
And it wakes,
The creatures who greet the daylight and go about their daily lives.
They greet eachother and say again the same old words,
Singing, the same old song.
As the rising sun increases in size
And takes,
Takes the darkness away as it greets the world that opens up beneath it.
When the moon,
The moon disappears from the sky and grips the stars as they are whisked away.
And it wakes,
The creatures who greet the daylight and go about their daily lives.
They greet eachother and say again the same old words,
Singing, the same old song.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Poetry Slam Poem
I destroy homes
I tear families apart
I take away children
And that's just a start
I'm more valued than diamonds
More precious than gold
The sorrow I bring is a sight to behold
If you need me remember I'm easily found
I live all around you
In school and in town
I live with the rich, I live with the poor
I live just down the street and maybe next door
I'm made in a lab but not one like you think
I can be made under the kitchen sink
In your child's closet and out in the woods
If this scares you to death then it certainly should
I have many names
But there is one you'll know best
I'm sure you've heard of me
My name's crystal meth
My power is awesome
Try me you'll see but if you do you may never break free
Try me once and I might let you go
But try me twice and I'll own your soul
When I posses you, you'll steal and you'll lie
You'll do what you have to just to get high
The crimes you'll commit for my narcotic charms
Will be worth the pleasures you'll feel in my arms
You'll lie to your mother
You'll steal from your dad
When you see their tears you must feel sad
Just forget your morals and how you were raised
I'll be your conscious, I'll teach you my ways
I take kids from their parents, I take parents from kids
I turn people from god, I separate friends
I'll take every thing from you
Your looks and your pride
I'll be with you always, right by your side
You'll give up every thing, your family, your home
Your money, your true friend
Then you'll be alone
I'll take and I'll take till you have no more to give
When I'm finished you'll be lucky to live
If you try me, be warned, this is not a game
If I'm given the chance I'll drive you insane
I'll ravage your body, I'll control your mind
I'll own you completely, your soul will be mine
The nightmares I'll give you when you're lying in bed
The voices you'll hear from inside you're head
The sweats, the shakes, and the visions you'll see
I want you to know these gifts are from me
But then it's too late And you'll know in your heart
That you are now mine and we shall not part
You'll regret you tried me, they always do
But you came to me not I to you
You knew this would happen, many times you've been told
But YOU challenged my power
YOU chose to be bold
You could have said no and then walked away
If you could live that day over what would you say?
My power is awesome, as I told you before
I can take your life and make it so dim and sore
I'll be your master and you'll be my slave
I'll even be with you when you go to your grave
Now that you've met me, what will you do?
Will you try me or not? It's all up to you
I can show you more misery than words can tell
Come, take my hand
Let me lead you to Hell.
I tear families apart
I take away children
And that's just a start
I'm more valued than diamonds
More precious than gold
The sorrow I bring is a sight to behold
If you need me remember I'm easily found
I live all around you
In school and in town
I live with the rich, I live with the poor
I live just down the street and maybe next door
I'm made in a lab but not one like you think
I can be made under the kitchen sink
In your child's closet and out in the woods
If this scares you to death then it certainly should
I have many names
But there is one you'll know best
I'm sure you've heard of me
My name's crystal meth
My power is awesome
Try me you'll see but if you do you may never break free
Try me once and I might let you go
But try me twice and I'll own your soul
When I posses you, you'll steal and you'll lie
You'll do what you have to just to get high
The crimes you'll commit for my narcotic charms
Will be worth the pleasures you'll feel in my arms
You'll lie to your mother
You'll steal from your dad
When you see their tears you must feel sad
Just forget your morals and how you were raised
I'll be your conscious, I'll teach you my ways
I take kids from their parents, I take parents from kids
I turn people from god, I separate friends
I'll take every thing from you
Your looks and your pride
I'll be with you always, right by your side
You'll give up every thing, your family, your home
Your money, your true friend
Then you'll be alone
I'll take and I'll take till you have no more to give
When I'm finished you'll be lucky to live
If you try me, be warned, this is not a game
If I'm given the chance I'll drive you insane
I'll ravage your body, I'll control your mind
I'll own you completely, your soul will be mine
The nightmares I'll give you when you're lying in bed
The voices you'll hear from inside you're head
The sweats, the shakes, and the visions you'll see
I want you to know these gifts are from me
But then it's too late And you'll know in your heart
That you are now mine and we shall not part
You'll regret you tried me, they always do
But you came to me not I to you
You knew this would happen, many times you've been told
But YOU challenged my power
YOU chose to be bold
You could have said no and then walked away
If you could live that day over what would you say?
My power is awesome, as I told you before
I can take your life and make it so dim and sore
I'll be your master and you'll be my slave
I'll even be with you when you go to your grave
Now that you've met me, what will you do?
Will you try me or not? It's all up to you
I can show you more misery than words can tell
Come, take my hand
Let me lead you to Hell.
Let's go on a ride.
I walk my own path
That strays from original
It grants perspective.
I say what I say
There is no taking it back
Thine words are your own.
The message shown here
Is to all, everlasting
And to me, a glimpse.
A sign of the past
And the future in one piece
Written, on this page.
You want a fun ride?
Some rides go fast, some go slow
Well, come on and ride.
I saw you today
You took my breath away
At a loss for words.
I saw you again
I said you were beautiful
We talked through the night.
You leave me happy
All the sweet moments we meet
You turn frowns to smiles.
My heart burns with love
And I've been yours all along
And you, have been mine.
You left me today
I'm lost in a sea of tears
No refuge in sight.
I saw you again
You were so special to me
We used to be friends.
That strays from original
It grants perspective.
I say what I say
There is no taking it back
Thine words are your own.
The message shown here
Is to all, everlasting
And to me, a glimpse.
A sign of the past
And the future in one piece
Written, on this page.
You want a fun ride?
Some rides go fast, some go slow
Well, come on and ride.
I saw you today
You took my breath away
At a loss for words.
I saw you again
I said you were beautiful
We talked through the night.
You leave me happy
All the sweet moments we meet
You turn frowns to smiles.
My heart burns with love
And I've been yours all along
And you, have been mine.
You left me today
I'm lost in a sea of tears
No refuge in sight.
I saw you again
You were so special to me
We used to be friends.
Save Me
A shadow of my former self,
I float through on the breeze.
My heart is not my own,
It is dead inside me.
I have walked the vally of the shadows,
Yet a shade of my previous soul.
I am cold and bitter,
Alone in my darkness.
No light can find me,
Yet no chain can bind me,
I only bind myself.
My heart is for all and none,
But none shall keep it for me,
So I rot inside and slowly die with a loveless heart inside me.
Someone, someone, take my heart,
Before it dies with me.
For a dead heart is not worth keeping.
Save me from my despair,
Fill me with your love,
Take my heart and make it your own.
Make me whole and keep me safe, for if my heart is with you I shall never be alone.
I'll give you my key if you will hold mine for me,
Holding yours also as you hold me.
So save me, love me, give me your all.
Save me from the dark before I have nothing at all.
Dear autocorrect
Accidental indentations
Fuck autocorrect
Why do I bother with you ?
It changes my mind,
Makes me say what I'm not.
Why should I bother with you?
But
Fixing my mistakes.
When they aren't even mistakes?
Why don't I just turn you off?
Dear Autocorrect,
Go die in a hole,
My typing can live without you.
And yet I am thankful,
You do exist.
Because
You corrected half the words in this.
Fuck autocorrect
Why do I bother with you ?
It changes my mind,
Makes me say what I'm not.
Why should I bother with you?
But
Fixing my mistakes.
When they aren't even mistakes?
Why don't I just turn you off?
Dear Autocorrect,
Go die in a hole,
My typing can live without you.
And yet I am thankful,
You do exist.
Because
You corrected half the words in this.
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